When I arrived in Nepal back in March, before the pilgrimage started, my friend and co-host, James, asked me what I was going to teach. I told him I didn’t know.
Usually I arrive with a plan. Well thought out and outlined for how each day’s dharma teachings would go. Over the years these plans have evolved, right alongside my practice, from teachings grounded in yoga and Jivamukti to the Buddha dharma foundation of today. I’ve always aimed to base what I share in my own experience and pull in support teachings from sacred texts such as the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali, the Bhagavad Gita, the Hatha Yoga Pradipika, and the Buddha tripitaka, along with more contemporary sources such as those of the Jivamukti and Ashtanga lineages.
But, this year, after struggling through covid and hanging on with all my might to bring this trip into fruition, I arrived a bit dazed and confused. I did know one thing, this trip, more than any before, was exactly what I needed. It had been five years since my last visit and over three years since I was last in India – during which time I’ve been struggling to keep this fledgling shala that I opened in July 2019 in a brand new city – Nashville – alive. My spiritual battery was running low.
So, I didn’t feel inspired to teach anything beyond Mysore/asana and I didn’t feel like I had anything to offer. Hence my response to James’ question was followed by: “I feel like the older I get, the less I know”. And, to be fully transparent, there was a part of me that felt like that was somehow a good thing (even though it left me in a state of uncertainty…).
Fortunately, Nepal came through for me once again. I arrived on the last day of a 10-day drupchen (an important Tibetan Buddhist ceremony that goes 24 hours a day) to find that my heart guru, Chokyi Nyima Rinpoche, was there. You see, on my last visit in 2017 I had hoped to take refuge with him, but he wasn’t in Nepal, so I could not. This was my chance. I asked James if he thought it would be possible and he said, “we can make it happen, yes”. And make it happen we did. James has connections and was able to get word to Rinpoche’s attendant that I wished to take refuge. After two missed attempts, we were successful on the third. To my good fortune I was able to take refuge in the great hall at the end of the drupchen – it was rather auspicious!
From that moment, my battery hit 100% and from there added extra generators. The time in Nepal was amazing and I left with an invigorated commitment to the Buddha Dharma and more secure than ever in my personal practice.
And I knew what and how to teach on the pilgrimage. But, here’s the thing, “the older I get, the less I know” rang true. You see, I used to be a bit all over the place from a dharma study standpoint (as it seems to be for most Westerners turned Eastern philosophy buffs). I was seeking and not without doubt. The last few years have been a remedy and taking refuge was the seal. As such, what I KNOW actually does feel like a whole lot less, because there really are only a few ultimate truths. This passage from Lama Willa’s book (The Wakeful Body) captures the sentiment well:
“The Zen masters speak of something called ‘don’t-know mind’. Knowing, they say, is underrated. When you think you know something, all other possibilities close down. You become rigid.
But when you let go of knowing, things open. [And that was exactly my experience on arrival to Nepal.] The mind stays supple and curious. It lives in the space of inquiry. The Great Not Knowing is not about rejecting facts. Facts certainly matter. The Great Not-Knowing is about stepping out of the mindset that has closed down on things–certainty is such a mindset. There is hubris in it.”
So, three cheers for getting older (I turned 52 on the trip while trekking in the Himalayas – pretty epic) and the comfort it can bring!