What follows is an account of what went on in my mind on December 3, 2017 – Full Moon Day at the Nagi Gompa Nunnery in the foothills of the Himalayas outside the ancient city of Kathamandu. It was one of the most beautiful and personal experiences of my life and during a week long solo retreat at the nunnery. I share it as an offering in hopes that it may serve as a seed for connection with whoever does me the honor of reading it.

In Ashtanga moon days are special and something important that we observe. No asana practice, extra rest and recovery are appreciated. Here at the nunnery it seems to be a pretty big deal too. Ani G and most of the other nuns didn’t take dinner last night and today there were extra pujas at 8 am and again at 10 am. It seems to be a time of renewal and refresh here too. As I described in my written journal, the prasad rice (“Buddha prasad” as Ani G called it) was made fresh and there were many butter statues being offered and removed today during the puja I attended – at 8 am.

It was a powerful puja for me. It seems that whenever Ani G is present things get amped up and my ability to stay in meditation increases. I had several “realizations” during this morning’s puja and I didn’t want to forget them – I wanted to be able to sit down and ponder them – so, I made quick notes on my phone (I’ve been bringing it with me sometimes so that I can record the nuns). Here’s the list: 

·      Trying so hard. Too hard? A longstanding samskara or maybe even vasana…

·      Little boy – how I feel with my Ani’s

·      Compassion for the elderly nun – is she losing her mind?

·      Ashamed of who I am…  (another samskara)

·      Offer what you can but also what is needed (village man, biz man…)

·      Glue that’s holding this world together – their blessings/efforts/intentions (puja, etc)

Trying so hard

As I sat on my cushion in the back of the monastery, between the windows so that I’m not in the way when they close the curtains at night, and in front of the White Tara (wishing I was in front of Green Tara…) – I had this thought – “I’m trying so hard and I’m still failing”. Trying so hard, this is a theme of my life. I’ve always tried hard. Why? Why am I trying so hard? To please. I’m trying to prove something to somebody somewhere. Myself? My Mom? My Grandpa Beard? My Grandmother Bryant? My students? Richard? Jen? David? Since childhood it’s been this endless revolving door of others who I want to please, make proud, prove I’m worthy. Here, on some level, it’s Ani Gyantara. I had this incredible meditation experience with her when we came up with the group a couple weeks ago. She invited (insisted) we come down to a room on the floor below Guru Rinpoche’s room for a meditation with her. She chanted quite a bit and it was mindblowing beautiful. Literally. I started to feel myself shaking like there was an earthquake within me from my seat up to the top of my head. Tears started to flow down my face. My eyes started quivering and lights started flashing within my head. Projections of the Buddha, the mountains and the monastery were flashing before me like the negatives of a photo – as if they were being projected from behind my skull, through my head and out in front of me. And my eyes seemed like they were being forced open. I was resisting because I was afraid it would end, but then they did pop open, but I didn’t see what I knew was in front of me (all the Yoga Nepalers). I just saw shining blue sky.

Afterward, and after the others had left the room, I approached with my hands in prayer and my head bowed, tears came fast and hard and it was all I could do to say, “Thank you so much Ani la”. She took my hands in hers, looked right into me with her big wide eyes and said, “you come back, do retreat.” I was knocked back and knew right then and there that I was going to extend my trip and come back to Nagi.

So, now I’m here and I’m having this thought about trying. I think it’s a wake-up call reminding me to get out of my head, surrender to the path and just be here. And it’s my nature to try and that’s OK too.

Little boy

As the trying too hard thoughts went past I came to a follow-up thought which was that the Ani’s make me feel like a little boy again – in the warm, strong arms of my Grandma Betty. Here I am a 47-year old man and the Ani’s have me in the palm of their hands. They say sit, I sit, they say sweep, I sweep, they say eat, I eat and they say go to puja, I go to puja. It’s incredibly catharthic/comforting. And it’s pretty incredible/fortunate to be the only one here with them. This morning as I sat on this little stool in their kitchen it was like being transported back to the green stool in Grandma Betty’s kitchen (now next to my bed). Watching them cook and chat. They seem to have such a special bond. And it surprises me how much they have to say to one another. I wonder if that’s their chatting time? Ani G seems to be off on her own much of the day, not sure where she is. Ani S seems more out and about – I come across her in the hallways frequently. Anyhoo, I like being their little boy, it’s quite a treat! 

Compassion for the elderly nun – is she losing her mind?

So, I mentioned in my journal that there is a nun that just goes off during puja. Well, today, during the 8 am puja, she came in late and made quite a little scurfuffle as she entered – something to do with her robes. Then she made her way to a seat and again started chattering – pretty loudly. At one point, I looked over and saw Ani G turn and raise a finger to her lips to shush the nun. She did quiet down after that, not immediately, but gradually. It occurred to me that maybe she is going senile. And then I felt this rush of emotion – compassion, I think. I thought about how awful it must be to be doing all this work with one’s mind only to lose it.

Ashamed of who I am… 

Then, for some reason, after some meditation time had passed, thoughts of shame came to my mind. I had this heavy feeling of just how ashamed I have been over the years for being gay. I thought about talking to Ani Sonam or even Tokpa Tulku about being gay and what it has meant for my mind. Explaining to them that I grew up in a Christian household that thinks gay is an abomination and how I used to read the Bible and berate myself for being me. The weight of it just hit me – I’m still ashamed. A big part of me doesn’t want to deal with it anymore. I don’t appreciate the lustful preoccupation and feel a bit annoyed by my sexuality as it detracts from my inner work. Not sure what the heck to do about it. Definitely part of why sometimes I wish I could just become a monk and set it aside…. 

Offer what you can

…and also what is needed.

I guess because today is a special day there were more visitors to puja. They come in and move around the hall in various ways – obviously quite comfortable navigating the place. At one point I looked over and saw a fairly well put together man with some semblance of monk’s clothing and a nice backpack. He went to the front to make an offering and then went down the row offering each nun money and some a katha (blessing scarf). Later, a Nepali man wearing gray simple clothing including a dark gray vest – probably his best – entered a I saw give the old rice-counting nun that sits directly in front of me a plastic bag of milk (that’s how milk is stored here).

They were sweet gestures and seemed to be coming from a place of integrity and heart. As I watched this transpire it brought a realization that they were offering what they can – it didn’t so much matter what it was they offered – it was the best/most they could do given their situation. And not only that, especially in the case of the milk, it was offering something that the nuns need. I really don’t think they have much use for money, but the milk is something they will definitely put directly to use for the support of all who live here. In the time I’ve spent with my Ani’s it’s clear that nothing goes to waste. Even the waste is used to feed animals, grow vegetables or create bio gas. It’s a beautiful thing.

Glue that’s holding this world together

These days it’s pretty easy to develop the feeling that this world is hanging on by a thread. In a sense, I guess it always has been, but with so much craziness going on around us, it can really become difficult to maintain sthira (steadiness) and sukham (ease) within. These past several days, as I’ve been witness to the daily practices of the Nagi Gompa nuns, I’ve begun to think that maybe their efforts – and others like them around the world – are the bit of glue that’s holding it all together. It can be so easy to apply a lens of skepticism and doubt over the pujas, prayers, blessings and wishes of the nuns – what difference could it possibly make if they light another butter lamp, string up more prayer flags, or spin another prayer wheel? Well, maybe a heck of a lot. Maybe it’s exactly that energy that is moving out into the world and protecting us from the worst of what we all know is possible….