Last week I spent six days in Miami to study with a teacher that’s new to me — Tim Feldmann. I’ve known of Tim for many years, but just hadn’t met or practiced with him until last month when he came to teach at our shala here in Nashville. Upon meeting him I was struck by his warmth and his friendly nature and then I was further impressed when I saw the graceful way in which he carried that warmth with him into the Mysore room. He made efforts to connect with every student in the room in a meaningful way specific to their needs and disposition, which he did amazingly well, especially considering most of them he was engaging with for the first time. As the morning went on I knew that I did, indeed, want to learn more from Tim and thanks to the incredible community of teachers that have become part of Ashtanga Nashville, as soon as I even mentioned this desire to them, they said “go! we’ve got your back”. So, I booked a flight almost immediately and a couple weeks later I had the good fortune to find myself in Miami with Tim.

It was a splendid week of practice, study and reflection. Tim worked with me in areas of my practice that bring up my most fervent reactions of fear and aversion. I felt seen and supported by him and his team (who are awesome, btw) and I left Miami feeling uplifted, inspired and energized — which is so helpful to me as I work to keep my spirit and energy up for teaching Mysore five hours a day, and patience on as we slowly build the community here in Nashville.

Probably the most poignant interaction came on day five, when Tim was working with me on some deep backbending, which has long been an area of high fear and avoidance. It just makes me want to run and I have, hard and fast, for many years, to the point where I had convinced myself of two things: (1) it wasn’t for me — I’m too old and too stiff; and (2) that it wasn’t important — there’s no need for me to do this acrobatic stuff to bring some sort of elevated process to my practice. But, 2019 has been a big year for me in many ways. First and foremost being that I’ve pushed myself to face up to a pretty big demon — the fact that I don’t think I’m “good enough”. Not smart enough, not studied enough, not practiced enough, not young enough, just “not enough”. And when I go to do postures like kapotasana or drop back, all that fear and loathing loads itself up on my chest and I tighten up.

So, on day five, Tim stops me and says, as best I recall, “man, your work ethic is so strong and you know, that is so admirable and you have used it to go so far, but I think for you, now, just before you move into the posture back off a little bit, drop into the subtle and trust in yourself”. It was a pratibha moment for me — a flash of illumination. And flashes of other teachers giving me similar guidance came rushing in — in particular from the last time I sat with my Buddhist teacher, Tokpa Tulku, in Kathmandu. After an hour long conversation about my practice (emphasis on seated meditation practice in this case), just as we were about to part, he looked at me and said “Be gentle with yourself.” I think I get it this time. There was something very special about the way, place, and moment with Tim that felt deeply revealing. Here’s hoping….

Am I too old and stiff? No, actually, I’m not. Is it important to do this? Well, for me, in this moment, yes, I think it is. The postures are a sacred gateway to the most subtle aspects of ourselves and, wait for it… the universe. LOL, seriously, I know that sounds all fufu, but the thing is, this body we have right now, in this world, is all we’ve got. It’s our vehicle for exploration, figuring things out, working through our challenges, and seeing who we really ARE. It’s a precious opportunity and, I for one, am here to take advantage of it!